back from my trip

My trip was lovely, got to hang out with my cousin and her family. And got to see other family that i have not seen in many, many years. Talked about family drama, lol So much of it in our family. but yeah i did everything that i wanted to do and relaxed a bit. Its nice to be in a house with no crazy construction, lol. But on another note, he and i never met up. i dont know if hes telling the truth or not, guess i have to believe him but my bitter, cynical side just doesnt believe any man anymore. Now is it fair for me to label all men dbs? Ok so this is his excuse. He told me he asked for days off and they never got approved. Then on sunday i was annoyed with him and didnt text him back all day so he tells me that hes sorry but he wanted to meet up but 3 people at work are out on vaca and hes stuck working. I mean that could be true and i know that he works long crazy shifts and i know that he works lots of OT. But still a small part of me wished he would have tried harder to see me but then again if i was working 18 hr shifts all week i would probably not wanna go out either. But who knows. so yeah thats his story and i dont know what to do. I dont know where we stand. I'm just gonna not worry about it like i normally do and just let him chase me and i'll just not talk to him as much.

getting nervous

So in less then a week i will be flying to Jersey to visit my cousins and to meet a guy that hopefully is not a DB, but so far so good. I really nervous about flying cause well I hate it. I try not to think of it cause it really freaks me out. And well i'm really nervous about seeing matt cause well he seems like a really good guy and i have no idea what will happen. Part of me is so over men and so cynical towards them all that I kinda dont care. but then of course theres that part of me that kinda believes he really is a good guy and to stop worrying so much. I mean i dont know whats really gonna happen. He's so far away and i dont wanna get hurt again. But I think we are either gonna just stay friends or more. I doubt hes gonna be an ass. But who knows but yeah I'm a nervous wreck and well I gotta go shop and buy some stuff today. and start packing a little. I'm sure to write more later on this week.

Kinda weird

So lately DB's have been contacting me, no idea why. There is one that I swear can not take a hint but is starting to a bit more then before. Then there is another that I used to talk to on some dating site like a few years ago but he was weird, we never even met and he was so in love with me and would just creep me out so I stopped talking to him. I lied and said I had a bf. And recently he imed me and was being all creepy again so i blocked him. Then theres the guy who kept leaving me at the table. He texted me, apologized for being a jerk and tried to ask me out again, I said no and havent responded to any of his texts. And lately when i go out I see some of them but they dont see me, its weird. And still Matt from jersey is not a DB. By now i would've been able to tell cause he would have stopped talking to me. So who knows what'll happen. I'm getting a bit more nervous about my trip now. I dont know whats gonna happen.

Craziness

So its official August is a crazy month for me. I'm so very happy that i'm not going to school. I have so many parties and things going on now. I'm most looking forward to my cousin coming to visit, thats gonna be lots of fun. And our house is still being remodeled and its crazy. Its nice to have some time off of men, it really is. And my mom keeps bugging me to online date again and i tell her no. I wanna meet them the old fashioned way. While i'm not looking. I mean it would be nice to have a guy and all but honestly i'm enjoying myself. Just hanging out with friends and truly enjoying life. I dont have time to deal with another DB. Now the guy in Jersey is different cause we'll meet up when i go there but i'm seeing it more as a friends thing. Cause well we never met and we might meet and it could be totally awful or not. Only thing i'm sure of is hes not a DB. And well if he cant meet up with me then i know its just a friends thing. I dont know i'm so down with guys that I have no real expectations anymore when it comes to them. Honestly i just want us to get along and hang out and if something happens, it happens. But i'm more loooking forward to seeing my cousins who i havent seen in forever. Thats gonna be fun and visiting a new place. there are so many places i wanna travel to. And i hope i get to someday

little update

So i'm all excited cause me and my friend are planning a trip to Seattle and I'm probably gonna visit my cousin in Jersey and still no online dating. You guys didnt think I could do it but I did it. Honestly I'd rather spend time with my friends and family then waste it on another DB. Ok so I'm just wondering what should I do about this guy (DB from the past) who keeps texting me, and I never reply. Last time I talked to him was when I told him off in March cause he wanted to see me. And seriously should I just say stop texting me or hope he finally realizes I want nothing to do with him. I mean really how dumb can one boy be? Ok so theres this guy who I know I shouldnt like but hes more of a distraction then anythig else. Hes way too young but totally hot and lives on the East coast. And he texts me pretty much all the time, even after we talked on the phone for over an hour he still texted me after that. I dont know what he wants from me and I dont know what to do. I mean I cant do the long distance thing again, it sucks and I dont even know what he wants from me. My friend told me to just tell him "i'm going to see my cousin and if you wanna hang out lemme know, if not then its ok" And if he says "hes too busy" or something then I know my answer. But i'm really not expecting mch from any guy anymore, I'm so tired of all the stupid games and whatever, I'm so tired of getting hurt all the time, I guess having someone so far away wont hurt so much if he finds someone else. I think i'm just gonna let this one guy and just have fun with him and just treat him as a friend cause I'm tired of every guy hurting me

I really did mean it

So things are kind of normal now, I have the summer off, no school!!!! So happy, i really needed a break, work is fine and the stupid DB is already dating someone else. So much for him not wanting to be tied down to a serious commitment. I mean seriously I would have preferred if he just told me "sorry, i met someone else" I swear men are so lame. I really am turning bitter, i really need a break from all of them. But yeah you will be all happy to know that I am no longer dating anymore online guys, no longer looking for them online or even in real life cause well i just wanna enjoy myself. And well i'm just tired of dealing with stupid boys who dont know what they want or who cant tell me the truth, i'm just so sick and tired of their crap. And seriously the next one I date is gonna be sorry cause i'll treat him like crap. But yeah thats why i'm done with them for now. I seriously just wanna go out have fun, visit my family in the east coast, go on vacation, go to the beach and go out and just live my life and not worry about stupid boys anymore

Its funny

So i had a bday gift for the DB and well I didnt send it cause he doesnt deserve something nice from me for the way he treated me. But i decided to write him a nice note basically saying have a happy birthday, i got you something awesome, oh wait since you no longer talk to me you are not getting it. So i told him I found the song hes been looking for for years and now i feel great. I dont care if he even read it, or even believes me but it just makes me feel good to have said that and not expecting a response or anything but now I feel like i have closure and can find someone better. And i made excuses for him like its his job situation and crap like that but if he was really the one for me he would have made it work. So now I'm finally back on my diet and hopefully will be done with school soon. And hopefully will find a great guy but yeah no more online men for me. Just not gonna look for him anymore cause I know from the past that you always find someone great when you are not looking for it. And i'm so happy finals are almost done and I really need to get out one of these nights cause all i do is study, study, study

Finally

So i finally got a new job. Its nice, very different and its gonna take some getting used to. I'm not used to only having 8 kids and well thats pretty much how its always gonna be which is kinda nice. And the class is really small and not much stuff for them to do in there so its weird. I know after a week or so I'll get a routine down and hopefully get some structure in the room. Its just a strange atmosphere. And well I decided to sell the gift I was gonna give to Mark. I mean I understand that someone does not want a relationship now or they just dont wanna be tied down cause of things going on. But to not talk to me at all, is just wrong. Part of me wants to tell him what I got him but I dont know if i'm that mean. I feel stupid, least I didnt spend much on it. So theres thing song that he really likes and couldnt find it anywhere, well I found it and thought that was the perfect gift for him cause its not too much and its simple and shows I listen to him. Well a lot of good that did, he never even talks to me anymore. I thought we could at least be friends but guess thats not happening. He really is a DB now

Just had a realization

I think after writing everything all out, it kinda put things into perspective. And i feel better now cause I cant change what he wants and i cant convince him to be with me. I cant make him be friends with me. All i can really do is just stop wondering if he has someone else. But the thing is I think him losing his job has a huge part of why we arent together and well I dont have time to try to convince him to be with me. And if he really wanted to be with me, he would've made some kind of contact with me. If he really, truly doesnt wanna lose me, he would try to make contact with me in some way. But yeah hes not and I cant stress about this anymore. I start a new job on Monday and I just got a really cute haircut and am gonna go out and enjoy myself and find someone who will want to be with me

I dont get it

I really, truly and completely dont understand men at all. Why waster your time hanging out, talking to someone at all hours of the night if you dont want a relationship with them. Why have them meet your best friends and step daughter if you never wanna see them again. Why the hell did he pursue me? If he wanted nothing. I mean seriously after every date he would text me or talk to me somehow. It was always him, he pursued me and than the stupid job thing happened and he just hut down on me. I mean the last time we hung out we talked till like 3 in the morning. I just dont get it at all. And now I feel stupid cause I bought him something for his birthday and I cant return it and now I dont know if i should even bother giving it to him. I just dont get it at all. I mean guys hear that word commitment and they just get scared and run away. But yeah he never replied to me, I havent heard from him in like 2 wks so well its over. Would be nice to hear something. I mean at least me and him can still be friends but I guess he doesnt want that. Men truly and completely confuse me. I wish he just wanted to be friends but I dont know. Maybe i'll just mail him the bday gift cause i dont want it and then when I do that and still no response, i'll really know whats going on. I think too many girls have screwed him up in the past and well not much I can do about it. But i'm not looking for guys online anymoe. I'm proud of myself that I didnt go back to all those dumb dating apps. But yeah i thought he was the one, i really did and now its over and I'm just truly confused. I mean we pretty much talked everyday for hours and now its over. It wasnt like all those other guys where we would never really talk. It was different and there is nothing I can do about it and it truly does suck and I hate him for leading me on like he did. I fucking hate him and he is the biggest DB of them all. the other thing that confuses me is we never had sex, he never tried anything exept to kiss me which made me think it was something more. I swear men need a handbook or a manual, lol

I've accepted it

So yesterday I went out during the day and just sat and wrote for a while and thought about things lately. And although Mark is a great guy and all, and I dont like how things have been between us lately. I was gonna wait a week to respond to him and see if he notices but then I thought that I dont care anymore. I really, truly dont care anymore. I let out all my feelings, in my mind it was over and then he emails me and tells me what he says. And it truly just confused me cause hes a man in his 30's who has already been married and has dealt with horrible women in the past and cant put that aside for me. Who is probably the nicest out of all of them and he cant see that. So i responded to him today and just stated how i felt and what i wanted and just asked him straight out "what are we?" And i know its weird but I feel better and I feel fine cause i heard from him and now have closure and can move on. Cause there is someone out there who will want to be with me and do anything he can to make it happen. I know hes out there somewhere but right now I'm just gonna concentrate on school and work stuff. There is some good news about the work stuff, my cousin might be moving here and she needs a nanny for Scarlett, how awesome would that be? I mean seriously, that would be great. So we'll see if that happens or not. But yeah i've made my peace with the whole Mark thing. Only thing he could say to me now to make things work out is I'm sorry or I want to make things work. But anything else just wont do for me now

its weird

So i finally heard from Mark, it only took a week for him to respond. I swear, I dont know anymore. But yeah he just talked about work stuff and that he is glad that he has someone like me to turn to when he is stressed. But then about the relationship stuff. This is what he says "he is unsure if he wants a relationship now, he is not seeing anyone else and it has nothing to do with the work stuff, he just doesnt think he wants to be tied down to a serious relationship now" I'm just truly and completely confused cause he was the one who pursued me, he was the one to always contact me. And now suddenly he changes his mind. Wth? I swear men are so confusing and i'm not even gonna reply, either a week later like he did to me or not at all. I mean i really dont know what to say. Does this mean we are just friends? Does this mean we are still dating? But whats the point of him ever meeting me when he didnt want a serious commitment. I mean really. I feel like i'm having deja vu, this same thing happened to me last year around this time. It hurts more now cause he did everything that most guys that want more do. He even brought it up to me saying that he is happy with things between us and hes looking for someone to make him happy. So I guess its over, i mean do i waste my time dating someone i really like and it never going anywhere or do i just let it go. And another thing we havent done anything except kissing which confuses me even more. I swear men make no sense at all. I do feel better that he contacted me cause i felt like i was in limbo and didnt know what to do. Now at least i know where he stands and i gotta think long and hard about what i need to say

Time to move on

Well its been a week and no word from him at all. Nothing not even a text, or an IM. I cant keep thinking of it and obsessing about it. I'm making myself crazy. Its just bad timing with the job stuff and all. But if he really wanted something with me, he would've made some kind of effort to make contact with me. I mean seriously, all he had to say was Hi, or i'm doing awful. I'm done with guys, i'm no longer meeting them online. I'm not gonna add those stupid apps again on facebook or myspace. Not gonna go onto any other dating sites. The weird thing with me is once I realize its over with someone I go right back to those sites and looking for a guy but this time it really hurts a lot. Its like I was not expecting this at all. Its just weird, i dont know. I dont want to find some other guy, i'm not ready. And part of me thinks hes still gonna contact me but really he wont. I really hoped he would but by now he wont. And i just cant think of him anymore

Not much I can do

Well I cant worry about the whole Mark thing anymore cause its making me crazy. I cant really do anything. Just wait and hope he contacts me somehow. And i'm not looking for any answers I just want him to be ok and I just want everything to be ok. My not having a job now is also not helping me much. I really miss my kids and I hate that those bitches win and got what they wanted. So instead of me sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and worrying about whats gonna happen with me and mark. I'm gonna just go out and try to enjoy myself, like going to the beach. Thats something that costs nothing to enjoy, lol. Or going to the bookstore and reading again now that I have all this free time. And working on my Avon business. Theres this thing I need to join called a BNI, that should help my Avon business. If i could get my sales up, then i wont need another job for a bit. I'm also gonna start going around the neighborhood, introducing myself and talking about Avon. I'm not gonna wallow and make myself miserable. Mark will either never talk to me again or he will and I cant worry about that. There is just one thing I need to let him know is that i am there for him and that I know its a stressful time for him and if hes unsure about us or doesnt know then thats fine. But i'm only gonna say that if I hear from him. Evcn if he says he doesnt know yet, i'm fine. Probably gonna distance myself from him so if he does leave it wont be so bad, but i know it will be anyways. but yeah starting tomorrow, i'm not gonna sit around and think of all the crappy stuff and just do things for myself. Hopefully it helps and maybe it will clear my head so I can put things in perspective. but now its Easter and I guess i have to help my mom cook. And enjoy a Vodka martini. Happy Easter to everyone!!!!

Alright

I just realized what I did. I was talking to my mom today and she tells me that when i asked him what I did I put more pressure on him that he does not need. And i probably scared him away and might never hear from him again. I dont think i did but hes already stressed about things and I just added on to it. So now I really dont know what to do. I dont wanna do something stupid and lose him

here we go

Ok so he did vent to me about stuff and I do feel better that he is comfortable with telling me stuff. but now I am wondering about something. One of the things hes thinking of doing is moving out of San Diego which would really suck. I mean it might be the best thing for him and I cant really make him stay cause well we havent been together that long. I dont wanna think about it and hopefully he decides to stay here a bit longer. I swear i finally meet a decent one who seriously has never really done anything horrible and everytime he doesnt talk to me or whatever its cause something bad happened. And hes not perfect, i mean he has issues but nothing major. And he is a nice, decent guy but now he might move away and i dont know what to do. I guess i'll just wait until it happens cause maybe it wont. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I cant force him to stay, expecially if its best for him to leave. I dont wanna think about it anymore. I need to focus on my job situation, hopefully i find something soon

Dont know what to think

Everytime I ask Mark to hang out with my friends, he says hes busy or something bad happens. Now either he really is busy or just doesnt wanna meet my friends. I'm giving him one more chance and i'm just gonna ask him straight out if he wants to meet them or not cause then that tells me where we stand. But now heres another issue. I've noticed in the past several weeks we dont really talk much anymore, not like we used to. I dont know if its cause he just doesnt wanna talk to me anymore, is busy or something else is going on. A few weeks ago he got laid off of work. He is still working but until the end of May which I know sucks to be without a job. And I know thats a hard thing for someone to deal with. But its like he should be able to talk to me about stuff thats bothering him. And he just treats me lately like he doesnt wanna deal with me anymore. I mean last weekend we hung out, watched movies, talked until like 3 in the morning. But then the way he acts with me during the week does not make sense. I'm trying not to be mad at him for not talking to me cause hes probably upset about work crap. I want to tell him somehow that he can tell me anything and he can complain and vent to me. but yesterday something pissed me off. Well first he couldnt hang out with my friends last night and then when i asked him if he wanted to do something tonight, he doesnt answer me and signs off. Never did get an answer. All he says to me is like what? cause my place is a mess now so we cant hang out here. Now i know he probably cant spend money now and i understand that but he can tell me that. Its almost like he wants to seem perfect to me and not show me his bad side like hes scared or something. Or maybe he just doesnt wanna see me anymore. I dont know what to do. I just dont wanna say something stupid to him and make a big deal out of nothing.

some stuff

Ok so work stuff sucks, and i'm so done with all their BS. Now onto a better subject. So last weekend I went to his place to hang out. Met his step daughter and then his best friend showed up. And we all hung out and talked till like 5 in the morning. It was awesome, we had such a great time. I really like this one, and he makes me happy. It's kinda funny cause since i've been home, random people on yahoo message me and I have no idea who they are cause its some DB from the past. I'm like sorry no idea who you are, lol. But yeah this one is nice, and hopefully this is something more long term. But yeah one night I was talking to one of my friends about guys and I was like "last year was the years of DB's" And seriously it was, i mean one after another. Even my mom thinks this ones a decent one. So we'll see. I'm just enjoying being with him and we always have a great time together

Here goes

So theres this guy we will call him the major DB. Who is from my past and we were really great friends and then i made the huge mistake of falling for him. And he leads me to believe he feels the same way. This guy was the biggest player of them all. Knew exactly what to say and how to act. So i tell him how i feel, he tells me that hes not ready for a relationship. But a week later starts dating someone. which pissed me of. but then I got over it cause I'd rather have him as a friend anyways. Well he pretty much never talks to me again which hurt losing a great friend, but he wasnt such a great friend if he does that. I guess they broke up and he tries to get me to date him which i refuse. I delete him outta my life and every once in a while he'll text me, no big deal. I never really tell him how much he hurt me. but now recently he might be moving here and hes coming to visit soon. So he actually has the nerve to ask me to see him. Since i never told him how much he hurt me I let it all out to him. And well hopefully he never contacts me again. I'm just pissed cause he actually thinks I wanna see him, he actually thinks I forgive him, MAJOR DB!!!!!
But onto better news I really did meet a great guy now who is not a DB at all. Hes perfect for me and I'm really happy for once. And i stopped trying to find something wrong with him, lol. Hes just a great guy

V-day

Well I guess this year I cant be so anti-valentines as I usually am. Me and Mark went out to dinner and then went out for coffee. It was a very nice evening. Some weird, interesting things happened. But as usual we had a wonderful time. So yeah I really like this one and I'm done finding something wrong with him. Hes just great for me. And we always have such a great time together. lol everytime I think of him I keep smiling like a big dumb idiot. I'm pretty happy right now and I love that he wakes up this morning and texts me right away. Its sweet. And I enjoy our time together. Hes funny, kind of a geek and is just great. So yeah it was a nice night. We went out to dinner at on the border, i picked something not too fancy cause i knew most of those places would be busy. Then we went out for coffee. And lets just say some lady was at the table near us and was very loud about her online sex toy purchase so we walked to my car, lol. Then some girl got lifted up to see if a tree was real or fake. Then right after that some guy walks out of a museum strumming a guitar. Yeah it was pretty funny. It was an entertaining night.

Alright I need to stop

So another week is gone and still no idea if she is coming back to work. I hate this stupid company I work for and when i have more time I will start looking for a new job. Ok so there is something that I really need to stop doing. I need to stop think that this new guy is a DB cause he clearly is not at all. So we had another great date. Went out for coffee and talked forever. Its amazing, it feels nice for once. i mean he talks to me the next day like he says he will. I'm just not used to a guy being nice and stuff. And i keep trying to find something wrong with him instead of enjoying that there is a nice guy who likes to spend time with me. And if he has any issues it would probably be something small. But yeah i'm happy and I guess going out with all those DB's is making me appreciate a nice guy. Maybe if I never met all those db's I would never have talked to him. But one thing that I really like is when he kisses me and holds my hand, its cute. lol ok I need to stop but yeah I'm gonna just enjoy this and see where it goes. Who knows?

Lets hope

So i took him to the filler last night and he enjoyed himself. Its fun to people watch at the place. And then afterwards we were outside talking and I was still too buzzed to drive. Then we finally decide to get coffee and he tells me "wait here" He goes to get his truck and pulls it near me so I dont have to walk in the rain. Yes I know its silly to like that but it was sweet. We hung out at dennys for a bit and then he drove me back. We kissed and it was nice cause he didnt try to grope me or anything like most guys do and he just held my hand. I felt bad cause his contacts were irritating him but he told me not to worry, its worth it. I'm really hoping hes not a DB, i swear. So far it dont sound like it. I dont wanna say anything, cause its too soon to tell. But I really like him and hes just great. I cant explain it. Its nice to have some good date stories, lol.

2nd date

Well this week has been very great and also pretty bad. Lets start with the bad. At work someone gave a child the wrong bottle now her and my boss are under investigation. If they fire my boss, i will quit. Its not her fault, she has told us the policy so many times. The stupid DM is saying that she never told us that policy. I swear I really hate her, i think she hates our CD and just wants a reason to fire her. So I was pretty emotional at work, just stressed. Not in a very good mood cause the CD is a good friend of mine and I would hate her to leave. Seriously if shes gone, so am I and I think many others. Ok now onto the better part. Tuesday me and the new guy had another great date. We talked forever about pretty much anything. And we were there for a long time. Then he walked me to my car and we talked again for a long time. Then finally I hugged him and he kissed me, it was really nice. He wasnt trying to grope me or go too far like most guys do. Then thursday we talked foreer online about past relationships and stuff. And he knew how upset I was about the meeting so he emailed me on Friday asking if it happened yet. Hes sweet and just crazy, lol. I dont wanna make it into a big thing cause we've only been out twice but if this one turns into a DB i would be truly shocked, lol. Its just nice to talk to a guy and not have him just want sex all the time. No idea if it will turn into something more but we'll see

I finally did it

I cant believe that I am finally done with JC after this semester. I swear I never thought this day would come. I know this semester is going to be a hard one and hope I can do it. But yesterday I turned in my app for the college I want to go to. And I'm getting my transcripts all sorted out so they are ready to send. I'm all nervous and excited at the same time.

Guess i should make a post

I'm gonna try this new thing out and see how I like it. I already have way too many blogs, lol. But yeah heard this was a good one. So here goes. My week at work was crazy and nuts. First 3 days I get out early and then on thursday it was completely nuts. We were so understaffed it was nuts. I hate corporate, I think they are stupid and have no idea what the hell they are doing. I dont get why we cut hours when most rooms are booked except for the baby and toddler class. Now friday was even more fun, I had two trial days and I already am at full capacity, so yeah that was fun. I'm just glad they didnt cry or anything cause seriously I was not in the mood for that at all. But I did have a very enjoyable night at this awesome restaurant that was on the ocean. Great food and loved everything about it.
So me and one of my friends are actually following through on our plan, we are going out and trying new things and so far so good. Oh and I am happy to say that I am no longer meeting guys online cause seriously my track record is pretty bad. I am now talking to one more, we met, it was great. Its funny cause I came really close to deleting his messages but I dont know I decided to just see what happens. I'm not really expecting much, Ok wait that sounds bad. What i mean to say is I think what I need is just someone to go out with and just see what happens but dont really need someone, if that makes any sense. Oh and I have deleted so many guys from faceboook and my phone, its great. I hope this is going to be a great year full of new changes.
But the most important change will be me finally done with JC and transferring to a university, thats my ultimate goal. Oh and reaching my goal wieght by the end of the year.