Finally

So i finally got a new job. Its nice, very different and its gonna take some getting used to. I'm not used to only having 8 kids and well thats pretty much how its always gonna be which is kinda nice. And the class is really small and not much stuff for them to do in there so its weird. I know after a week or so I'll get a routine down and hopefully get some structure in the room. Its just a strange atmosphere. And well I decided to sell the gift I was gonna give to Mark. I mean I understand that someone does not want a relationship now or they just dont wanna be tied down cause of things going on. But to not talk to me at all, is just wrong. Part of me wants to tell him what I got him but I dont know if i'm that mean. I feel stupid, least I didnt spend much on it. So theres thing song that he really likes and couldnt find it anywhere, well I found it and thought that was the perfect gift for him cause its not too much and its simple and shows I listen to him. Well a lot of good that did, he never even talks to me anymore. I thought we could at least be friends but guess thats not happening. He really is a DB now

Just had a realization

I think after writing everything all out, it kinda put things into perspective. And i feel better now cause I cant change what he wants and i cant convince him to be with me. I cant make him be friends with me. All i can really do is just stop wondering if he has someone else. But the thing is I think him losing his job has a huge part of why we arent together and well I dont have time to try to convince him to be with me. And if he really wanted to be with me, he would've made some kind of contact with me. If he really, truly doesnt wanna lose me, he would try to make contact with me in some way. But yeah hes not and I cant stress about this anymore. I start a new job on Monday and I just got a really cute haircut and am gonna go out and enjoy myself and find someone who will want to be with me

I dont get it

I really, truly and completely dont understand men at all. Why waster your time hanging out, talking to someone at all hours of the night if you dont want a relationship with them. Why have them meet your best friends and step daughter if you never wanna see them again. Why the hell did he pursue me? If he wanted nothing. I mean seriously after every date he would text me or talk to me somehow. It was always him, he pursued me and than the stupid job thing happened and he just hut down on me. I mean the last time we hung out we talked till like 3 in the morning. I just dont get it at all. And now I feel stupid cause I bought him something for his birthday and I cant return it and now I dont know if i should even bother giving it to him. I just dont get it at all. I mean guys hear that word commitment and they just get scared and run away. But yeah he never replied to me, I havent heard from him in like 2 wks so well its over. Would be nice to hear something. I mean at least me and him can still be friends but I guess he doesnt want that. Men truly and completely confuse me. I wish he just wanted to be friends but I dont know. Maybe i'll just mail him the bday gift cause i dont want it and then when I do that and still no response, i'll really know whats going on. I think too many girls have screwed him up in the past and well not much I can do about it. But i'm not looking for guys online anymoe. I'm proud of myself that I didnt go back to all those dumb dating apps. But yeah i thought he was the one, i really did and now its over and I'm just truly confused. I mean we pretty much talked everyday for hours and now its over. It wasnt like all those other guys where we would never really talk. It was different and there is nothing I can do about it and it truly does suck and I hate him for leading me on like he did. I fucking hate him and he is the biggest DB of them all. the other thing that confuses me is we never had sex, he never tried anything exept to kiss me which made me think it was something more. I swear men need a handbook or a manual, lol

I've accepted it

So yesterday I went out during the day and just sat and wrote for a while and thought about things lately. And although Mark is a great guy and all, and I dont like how things have been between us lately. I was gonna wait a week to respond to him and see if he notices but then I thought that I dont care anymore. I really, truly dont care anymore. I let out all my feelings, in my mind it was over and then he emails me and tells me what he says. And it truly just confused me cause hes a man in his 30's who has already been married and has dealt with horrible women in the past and cant put that aside for me. Who is probably the nicest out of all of them and he cant see that. So i responded to him today and just stated how i felt and what i wanted and just asked him straight out "what are we?" And i know its weird but I feel better and I feel fine cause i heard from him and now have closure and can move on. Cause there is someone out there who will want to be with me and do anything he can to make it happen. I know hes out there somewhere but right now I'm just gonna concentrate on school and work stuff. There is some good news about the work stuff, my cousin might be moving here and she needs a nanny for Scarlett, how awesome would that be? I mean seriously, that would be great. So we'll see if that happens or not. But yeah i've made my peace with the whole Mark thing. Only thing he could say to me now to make things work out is I'm sorry or I want to make things work. But anything else just wont do for me now

its weird

So i finally heard from Mark, it only took a week for him to respond. I swear, I dont know anymore. But yeah he just talked about work stuff and that he is glad that he has someone like me to turn to when he is stressed. But then about the relationship stuff. This is what he says "he is unsure if he wants a relationship now, he is not seeing anyone else and it has nothing to do with the work stuff, he just doesnt think he wants to be tied down to a serious relationship now" I'm just truly and completely confused cause he was the one who pursued me, he was the one to always contact me. And now suddenly he changes his mind. Wth? I swear men are so confusing and i'm not even gonna reply, either a week later like he did to me or not at all. I mean i really dont know what to say. Does this mean we are just friends? Does this mean we are still dating? But whats the point of him ever meeting me when he didnt want a serious commitment. I mean really. I feel like i'm having deja vu, this same thing happened to me last year around this time. It hurts more now cause he did everything that most guys that want more do. He even brought it up to me saying that he is happy with things between us and hes looking for someone to make him happy. So I guess its over, i mean do i waste my time dating someone i really like and it never going anywhere or do i just let it go. And another thing we havent done anything except kissing which confuses me even more. I swear men make no sense at all. I do feel better that he contacted me cause i felt like i was in limbo and didnt know what to do. Now at least i know where he stands and i gotta think long and hard about what i need to say

Time to move on

Well its been a week and no word from him at all. Nothing not even a text, or an IM. I cant keep thinking of it and obsessing about it. I'm making myself crazy. Its just bad timing with the job stuff and all. But if he really wanted something with me, he would've made some kind of effort to make contact with me. I mean seriously, all he had to say was Hi, or i'm doing awful. I'm done with guys, i'm no longer meeting them online. I'm not gonna add those stupid apps again on facebook or myspace. Not gonna go onto any other dating sites. The weird thing with me is once I realize its over with someone I go right back to those sites and looking for a guy but this time it really hurts a lot. Its like I was not expecting this at all. Its just weird, i dont know. I dont want to find some other guy, i'm not ready. And part of me thinks hes still gonna contact me but really he wont. I really hoped he would but by now he wont. And i just cant think of him anymore

Not much I can do

Well I cant worry about the whole Mark thing anymore cause its making me crazy. I cant really do anything. Just wait and hope he contacts me somehow. And i'm not looking for any answers I just want him to be ok and I just want everything to be ok. My not having a job now is also not helping me much. I really miss my kids and I hate that those bitches win and got what they wanted. So instead of me sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and worrying about whats gonna happen with me and mark. I'm gonna just go out and try to enjoy myself, like going to the beach. Thats something that costs nothing to enjoy, lol. Or going to the bookstore and reading again now that I have all this free time. And working on my Avon business. Theres this thing I need to join called a BNI, that should help my Avon business. If i could get my sales up, then i wont need another job for a bit. I'm also gonna start going around the neighborhood, introducing myself and talking about Avon. I'm not gonna wallow and make myself miserable. Mark will either never talk to me again or he will and I cant worry about that. There is just one thing I need to let him know is that i am there for him and that I know its a stressful time for him and if hes unsure about us or doesnt know then thats fine. But i'm only gonna say that if I hear from him. Evcn if he says he doesnt know yet, i'm fine. Probably gonna distance myself from him so if he does leave it wont be so bad, but i know it will be anyways. but yeah starting tomorrow, i'm not gonna sit around and think of all the crappy stuff and just do things for myself. Hopefully it helps and maybe it will clear my head so I can put things in perspective. but now its Easter and I guess i have to help my mom cook. And enjoy a Vodka martini. Happy Easter to everyone!!!!

Alright

I just realized what I did. I was talking to my mom today and she tells me that when i asked him what I did I put more pressure on him that he does not need. And i probably scared him away and might never hear from him again. I dont think i did but hes already stressed about things and I just added on to it. So now I really dont know what to do. I dont wanna do something stupid and lose him

here we go

Ok so he did vent to me about stuff and I do feel better that he is comfortable with telling me stuff. but now I am wondering about something. One of the things hes thinking of doing is moving out of San Diego which would really suck. I mean it might be the best thing for him and I cant really make him stay cause well we havent been together that long. I dont wanna think about it and hopefully he decides to stay here a bit longer. I swear i finally meet a decent one who seriously has never really done anything horrible and everytime he doesnt talk to me or whatever its cause something bad happened. And hes not perfect, i mean he has issues but nothing major. And he is a nice, decent guy but now he might move away and i dont know what to do. I guess i'll just wait until it happens cause maybe it wont. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I cant force him to stay, expecially if its best for him to leave. I dont wanna think about it anymore. I need to focus on my job situation, hopefully i find something soon

Dont know what to think

Everytime I ask Mark to hang out with my friends, he says hes busy or something bad happens. Now either he really is busy or just doesnt wanna meet my friends. I'm giving him one more chance and i'm just gonna ask him straight out if he wants to meet them or not cause then that tells me where we stand. But now heres another issue. I've noticed in the past several weeks we dont really talk much anymore, not like we used to. I dont know if its cause he just doesnt wanna talk to me anymore, is busy or something else is going on. A few weeks ago he got laid off of work. He is still working but until the end of May which I know sucks to be without a job. And I know thats a hard thing for someone to deal with. But its like he should be able to talk to me about stuff thats bothering him. And he just treats me lately like he doesnt wanna deal with me anymore. I mean last weekend we hung out, watched movies, talked until like 3 in the morning. But then the way he acts with me during the week does not make sense. I'm trying not to be mad at him for not talking to me cause hes probably upset about work crap. I want to tell him somehow that he can tell me anything and he can complain and vent to me. but yesterday something pissed me off. Well first he couldnt hang out with my friends last night and then when i asked him if he wanted to do something tonight, he doesnt answer me and signs off. Never did get an answer. All he says to me is like what? cause my place is a mess now so we cant hang out here. Now i know he probably cant spend money now and i understand that but he can tell me that. Its almost like he wants to seem perfect to me and not show me his bad side like hes scared or something. Or maybe he just doesnt wanna see me anymore. I dont know what to do. I just dont wanna say something stupid to him and make a big deal out of nothing.